Hello to the NEW

God bless you Bishop Meeks!

2009-05-04T15:31:00.000-07:00

So I went to my old Bishop's funeral today and it gave me a lot to think about. I haven't had very many people close to me pass away, but the few funerals I have been to always leave me with feelings of determination. Kind of random right? I guess funerals, especially the funerals of people who were faithful till the very end, give me greater determination to improve and be faithful. It makes me want to live my life in such a way that I would be missed if I were to suddenly pass. Life is fleeting and one never knows when time might be up.

I don't think death is a scary thing though; I'm not scared of suddenly getting the swine flu and awaiting the eminent death (joke...I think that the swine flu has been blown out of proportion so far. Maybe it will be a pandemic, but I think right now people are just freaking out to freak out). I know right now that I could stand with a clear conscious before God. I'm not perfect, but I'm doing my best to improve and live righteously, and repent when I inevitably mess things up.

Now moreso than any other time in my life I love life; it really is an adventure and I'm grateful for the experiences and trials and blessings that I've had and continue to have. I trust that God will keep me here until my work is done, and when that time does come I will gladly return to my Heavenly Father. Life is for living righteously, and in death the righteous life continues.

We get what we focus on consistently!

2009-05-03T22:52:00.000-07:00

"Into the hands of every individual is given a marvelous power for good or evil--the silent, unconscious, unseen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation of what man really is, not what he pretends to be....Life is a state of constant radiation and absorption; to exist is to radiate; to exist is to be the recipient of radiation.
"Man cannot escape for one moment from this radiation of his character, this constant weakening or strengthening of others. He cannot evade the responsibility by saying it is an unconscious influence. He can select the qualities that he will permit to be radiated. He can select the calmness, trust, generosity, truth, justice, loyalty, nobility--make them vitally active in his character--and by these qualities he will constantly affect the world."
(Author Unknown, but quoted by Spencer W. Kimball in the Miracle of Forgiveness)

My pilgrimage

2009-04-25T23:15:00.000-07:00

I realized today (as I was driving to Washington) that Tacoma is sacred ground to me. Honestly, my mission was my Gethsemane, but also my Sacred Grove. I need to go back every few months to put myself back together, to make myself whole again. I'm so grateful for my mission; everything good that I have in my life right now is a direct result of my mission and I am eternally grateful for that.

The scent of life is not always sweet

2009-04-24T22:36:00.000-07:00

It's interesting how sometimes you can just feel yourself falling apart piece by piece, moment by moment. At first you don't even know what's happening and you refuse to accept that you're still not strong enough to keep it all together. You know everything in your world will eventually all work out, but you're just not excited to be sinking once again, unable to truly see the beautiful world around you because you're so consumed with not being sucked further down.
And then the rain comes...

Oh the irony of life...

2009-04-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

...What goes around, comes around.

Always change

2009-04-17T19:46:00.000-07:00

So my summer plans have taken a drastic hit. I started a charity in India back in November, and my summer plans involved traveling to the east to work to better people's lives. I was also going to conduct 3 research projects there (getting credit toward graduation, and hopefully presenting my research at a conference in October). But unfortunately, my partner for the charity has taken a serious blow to his health, making it impossible to go (doctors were so blunt as to say "sure you can go, if you want to die". They weren't joking around...). So now I don't know what I'm going to do. There's options, but I don't know which one is necessarily best (and I really don't want to stay around Provo, and it's looking like that is the most probable route at this point).

There are lots of opportunities for me if I do stay here--keeping my jobs, getting on with school, going to the temple, the gym, maybe relaxing a bit--but there's part of me that just wants to leave. I think part of that is because my best girls are leaving and most of my good guy friends. And then there are some situations I would just rather avoid that confront, you know.

But I guess I'll just have to figure it all out (soon would be preferable because the summer officially starts for me on Wednesday afternoon....yikes!). I like change, but I like it more when I'm kind of in control of it (the control freak in me shows a lot sometimes I guess...).

Surprise, surprise.

Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

2009-04-10T01:02:00.000-07:00

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And i will try to fix you

the need to forget

2009-03-14T22:29:00.000-07:00

Alright, I realize that the bulk of my last few blogs have been a little too directed at my frustrations with boys. I guess that topic just bothers me more than other topics generally do (mostly because I suck at it so much). But I really need to just let go and start over because I keep torturing myself by putting myself in the same situations over and over again. Am I really that stupid (I'll just answer that one for you...YES!). And I keep telling myself over and over that I'm going to change and that things are going to be different, but I always fall back into old habits. I just never learn. If I'm going to maintain what little sanity I have, I really need to though. Wish me luck (and just slap me next time you see me ok).

realizations

2009-03-11T22:46:00.000-07:00

It's funny because the last few weeks I've been keenly aware of how much I love my research, well, my linguistic research. I really love studying language acquisition and linguistics and cognition; I know I'm doing the right thing and going in the right direction. I feel like I've really found my passion, what I want to do the rest of my life. I'm really grateful for this realization, especially because it took me so long to get to this point. I'm pretty sure I've been through at least 5 or 6 majors/combinations of majors, but I'm finally set. And I love it. It's just in other areas of life that there's still something to be desired.

college student what?

2009-03-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was so theraputic; this weekend wasn't too bad either. I've been actually going out and doing fun (sometimes juvenile) things and it's been so good for me. Even though I know I'm too serious most of the time, it's really not until I chill-out for a little while that I realize how high-strung I actually am. But last weekend B and I got all dolled up for this faux-mal that our ward had (like an opposite formal) and then had fort night (don't worry the giant fort is still constructed in our living room and will remain there for quite some time). And then this weekend I went to the Jazz game and to the Draper Temple open house. It was just nice. And today I actually got to sleep in because it was stake conference (yeah for sleep!). Sometimes it's just nice to remember that life is not just a race to get ahead and to accomplish, but that life really needs to be lived every day. New goal.

sometimes smiling is painful

2009-02-22T15:04:00.000-08:00

Once there was a little girl. She had such dreams and wishes and potential, but she was scared of what the future would bring. But she kept going even through the difficult times, experiencing both the good and the bad. As times progressed, things got better, but worse in many ways, ways that tore her apart inside. And she could do nothing to change the situation because it was based on the choices of other people, not her own. Her life was going well, it seemed as though everything was in place as it should be, but there was so much still missing. And although she knew what she needed to do to change those things, she felt powerless to do so. And so she rocked herself to sleep at night with dreams of what she wanted most but feared would never be.

Coping with rejection

2009-02-12T12:48:00.001-08:00

“All the events have led up to now.”
“I can’t change what’s already happened.”
“Fighting the past only blinds me to my present.”
“The present is the only moment I have control over.”
“It’s a waste of times to fight what’s already occurred.”
“The present moment is perfect, even if I don’t like what’s happening.”
“This moment is the result of over a million other decisions.”

Every Day is a Winding Road....I get a little bit closer

2009-02-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

So the last little while I've felt like a stupid little girl for making some less-than-wise decisions, but I've realized that even though I still do stupid things sometimes I don't need to qualify myself as stupid. Really that's not true. Yes I make poor decisions sometimes, but I've come a long way from how I used to be. And really I am a strong person. I crack and bleed sometimes; I fall and scrape my knee and my nose, and I'm ashamed and embarrassed and hurting. But I've learned to get up and keep going. I may fall, but I will not be conquered; I will not give in to defeat; I will not be broken.
On my mission, my last district leader told me something profound (that his football coach had told him). When trials come, bend but don't break (like the line with football.....ok). And that's how I've become and how I'm still becoming. I bend sometimes and I think I'm about to break, but I haven't. And I won't. And until I give in and break into pieces, I'm not a stupid girl because I'm still trying; I'm still pressing forward. If I was a stupid girl I would have just given up and stopped trying.

Someday. Someday.

2009-02-06T23:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get so frustrated with certain people in my life and I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do about it. I've realized in the past few days that I have a control issue: I have to be in control (or at least feel like I'm in control) of everything, and when I'm not I get really anxious or frustrated. During those times I have all these emotions inside and I don't know what to do with them or how to let them out. I haven't always dealt with them in the healthiest manner, but I am getting better in a lot of ways. I just still get especially frustrated when it comes to relationships. I somehow assume control of the relationship (probably because the other person doesn't know how to handle me) and that dooms the relationship to failure because then I get frustrated that they act too cautious around me. I think this is part of the reason my relationships are so dysfunctional and ridiculous all the time, and it frustrates me. I want to have a positive, happy relationship with someone I really care about, but I stop relationships before they even start half the time.
I've realized also that I have a huge problem with the idea of just relying on one person. I know that having a relationship doesn't mean that you give up everyone else you knew, but there's a definite shift; you have to rely a lot upon one another and less on other people. That scares me. It scares me first of all because I've never really done that before; I've always had a lot of guy-friends (even when I was in relationships) that I would rely upon for different things, and I don't know how to just rely upon one. Also, it scares me because when you rely so much on one person it's so much easier to get hurt. It makes you more vulnerable. I don't like that feeling because I don't know what to do with it.
The ironic part about it all is that really these things that scare me are the things I want most. I want to not feel like I have control over the relationship; I want it to be something that is equal and even. And I want to be able to rely on someone else so much, to really trust him to be there for me when I need him. But I guess the times when I've relinquished power in the relationship I just get even more frustrated and it causes a further rift. And then things end and I tend to at least want to cut things off entirely. With some people I really need to do that completely because the way things turned out is really bothersome for me. Perhaps I shouldn't be so blunt (since this is on the internet and the whole world could see it if they wanted to), but I'm just really bugged tonight about it and there's no one up to talk about it with. As much as I want to just delete people from my life sometimes, I have a hard time letting go of people that I care about (even if the situation is frustrating and upsetting to me). Sometimes I wish I could just say goodbye and not look back. It would make life so much easier in so many ways.
I don't know who reads this thing--or if anyone actually does--but it's been a long, dramatic couple of weeks. Mostly I'm just getting to the point where I just hate boys again and I don't really want to deal with them, but it's hard not to because most of my friends are of the male gender. Wow, I think this has just turned into one big complaining fest...oops! Well, life happens and I tend to talk too much anyway. For now I'm just going to not talk to boys that frustrate me, and hopefully find one that will stick around despite my ridiculousness. But that day is most definitely not today.

Hallelujah- Back to the Mission!

2009-02-03T11:59:00.000-08:00

(insert profanity)

2009-02-02T21:06:00.001-08:00

Maybe it's just the drama queen in me I don't know, but my life has been so drama lately it's ridiculous. Ok, everything in life is pretty splendid except in one certain area (but does that area cause any stress or anxiety?). I'm trying to learn to just let things go and handle them better, but it's not entirely working. Maybe I just need to be more patient. Actually I'm sure that I need to be more patient, but it's always been a character flaw of mine. I just feel smothered by some people and rejected by others. Really I shouldn't complain, at least not about the rejection part, because really it's my own fault for acting the way that I do. Can't really blame anyone else for it right.
So I don't usually swear, but honestly I've sworn a TON in the last week (especially 24 hours). And I don't feel bad about it. There are worse ways I could be taking out my frustration.
Bubble gum drops and lollipops....

Weird kind of hope

2009-01-27T23:32:00.000-08:00

Love Story

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony of summer air

See the lights,
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
You say hello
Little did I know

That you were Romeo you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said:

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet cause we're dead if they know
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

Cause you were Romeo I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said:

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real,
Don't be afraid
We'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes, oh,

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town I said:

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think
He knealt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said:

Marry me Juliet you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

Oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Cause we were both young when I first saw you

letting go

2009-01-25T21:30:00.000-08:00

Things have been going really well lately, but for some reason I went digging around through past mistakes today. I'm not sure exactly why I did that because I knew the outcome was going to be negative. I guess I did it because although I trust in the forgiveness of my Heavenly Father, I guess I don't really believe that people will sincerely forgive me when I do awful things to them. I guess that's the point where I don't trust people because that's the point I've often let myself down. I don't forgive myself or let go of my past sins and mistakes and so I assume that others won't forgive me either. I'm really trying to let go and allow myself to progress because the only thing that can and will hold me back is myself. And I won't let that happen.

Life is Interesting

2009-01-13T23:28:00.000-08:00

There is so much I have to learn, but I'm realizing that that is ok. Patience is a virtue, especially with one's self, and I have never been especially full of that virtue. But I'm learning and striving to change, and I know that if I just keep at it, eventually I will succeed. Interpersonal relations aren't always a strong point for me, but the only way to change that is to put myself in situations where I have to improve.
So I had an idea today that was a little intimidating, almost a little frightening. And because of this thought, I realized what my pattern is in dealing with things that frighten me. Usually, when I feel scared or intimidated, I force myself to do whatever I'm scared of. Sometimes it takes me a couple of tries before I can muster enough nerve to actually follow through, but I really am determined to improve myself and to overcome these issues. I guess with my current idea the issue is not whether or not I have the guts to go through with it, but rather that I'm not sure if it would be a good thing to do. But that thought is a little muffled because I almost want to do it now to prove to myself that I can. Well, I guess we'll have to just wait and see how it all goes.

Who am I

2009-01-03T23:19:00.000-08:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It's not in just some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" (Quoted by Nelson Mandala)

my escape

2009-01-03T09:01:00.000-08:00

Last night I stayed up until 2:00 again typing and organizing my journal. Maybe I'm a dork for it but I don't really care. Journaling has always helped me so much to sort through my thoughts and feelings and to realize that I'm not as bad as I sometimes think I am. When I get really upset sometimes reading my journals is the only thing that truly helps me because it' advice from myself; I can't argue with that. I've been writing for a while, and currently I have 350pgs of my journal saved on my computer going back from the present to 1998 (with a brief gap for the mission...I haven't yet tackled those journals). It was really good for me to see my progress and to really be able to understand that I am different than I was before; I have learned and grown so much, and I know I'll continue if I keep pressing forward. Life is good. The Lord is real. I am his daughter.

Beginning Again

2008-12-31T13:48:00.000-08:00

It's a new year and that means time for change. I've been making a lot of changes in my life, mostly changes in my perspective. I decided that I need a new beginning, a clean slate, and that's why I erased my old blog and started this one. It's time for me to change and grow and learn from the past. Life is hopeful and bright and beautiful, and it's time to focus on that instead of the difficult parts. So this is the new start, the new me, the change that's been needed for so long. And now we begin...