sometimes smiling is painful

Once there was a little girl. She had such dreams and wishes and potential, but she was scared of what the future would bring. But she kept going even through the difficult times, experiencing both the good and the bad. As times progressed, things got better, but worse in many ways, ways that tore her apart inside. And she could do nothing to change the situation because it was based on the choices of other people, not her own. Her life was going well, it seemed as though everything was in place as it should be, but there was so much still missing. And although she knew what she needed to do to change those things, she felt powerless to do so. And so she rocked herself to sleep at night with dreams of what she wanted most but feared would never be.

Coping with rejection

“All the events have led up to now.”
“I can’t change what’s already happened.”
“Fighting the past only blinds me to my present.”
“The present is the only moment I have control over.”
“It’s a waste of times to fight what’s already occurred.”
“The present moment is perfect, even if I don’t like what’s happening.”
“This moment is the result of over a million other decisions.”

Every Day is a Winding Road....I get a little bit closer

So the last little while I've felt like a stupid little girl for making some less-than-wise decisions, but I've realized that even though I still do stupid things sometimes I don't need to qualify myself as stupid. Really that's not true. Yes I make poor decisions sometimes, but I've come a long way from how I used to be. And really I am a strong person. I crack and bleed sometimes; I fall and scrape my knee and my nose, and I'm ashamed and embarrassed and hurting. But I've learned to get up and keep going. I may fall, but I will not be conquered; I will not give in to defeat; I will not be broken.
On my mission, my last district leader told me something profound (that his football coach had told him). When trials come, bend but don't break (like the line with football.....ok). And that's how I've become and how I'm still becoming. I bend sometimes and I think I'm about to break, but I haven't. And I won't. And until I give in and break into pieces, I'm not a stupid girl because I'm still trying; I'm still pressing forward. If I was a stupid girl I would have just given up and stopped trying.

Someday. Someday.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with certain people in my life and I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do about it. I've realized in the past few days that I have a control issue: I have to be in control (or at least feel like I'm in control) of everything, and when I'm not I get really anxious or frustrated. During those times I have all these emotions inside and I don't know what to do with them or how to let them out. I haven't always dealt with them in the healthiest manner, but I am getting better in a lot of ways. I just still get especially frustrated when it comes to relationships. I somehow assume control of the relationship (probably because the other person doesn't know how to handle me) and that dooms the relationship to failure because then I get frustrated that they act too cautious around me. I think this is part of the reason my relationships are so dysfunctional and ridiculous all the time, and it frustrates me. I want to have a positive, happy relationship with someone I really care about, but I stop relationships before they even start half the time.
I've realized also that I have a huge problem with the idea of just relying on one person. I know that having a relationship doesn't mean that you give up everyone else you knew, but there's a definite shift; you have to rely a lot upon one another and less on other people. That scares me. It scares me first of all because I've never really done that before; I've always had a lot of guy-friends (even when I was in relationships) that I would rely upon for different things, and I don't know how to just rely upon one. Also, it scares me because when you rely so much on one person it's so much easier to get hurt. It makes you more vulnerable. I don't like that feeling because I don't know what to do with it.
The ironic part about it all is that really these things that scare me are the things I want most. I want to not feel like I have control over the relationship; I want it to be something that is equal and even. And I want to be able to rely on someone else so much, to really trust him to be there for me when I need him. But I guess the times when I've relinquished power in the relationship I just get even more frustrated and it causes a further rift. And then things end and I tend to at least want to cut things off entirely. With some people I really need to do that completely because the way things turned out is really bothersome for me. Perhaps I shouldn't be so blunt (since this is on the internet and the whole world could see it if they wanted to), but I'm just really bugged tonight about it and there's no one up to talk about it with. As much as I want to just delete people from my life sometimes, I have a hard time letting go of people that I care about (even if the situation is frustrating and upsetting to me). Sometimes I wish I could just say goodbye and not look back. It would make life so much easier in so many ways.
I don't know who reads this thing--or if anyone actually does--but it's been a long, dramatic couple of weeks. Mostly I'm just getting to the point where I just hate boys again and I don't really want to deal with them, but it's hard not to because most of my friends are of the male gender. Wow, I think this has just turned into one big complaining fest...oops! Well, life happens and I tend to talk too much anyway. For now I'm just going to not talk to boys that frustrate me, and hopefully find one that will stick around despite my ridiculousness. But that day is most definitely not today.

Hallelujah- Back to the Mission!

(insert profanity)

Maybe it's just the drama queen in me I don't know, but my life has been so drama lately it's ridiculous. Ok, everything in life is pretty splendid except in one certain area (but does that area cause any stress or anxiety?). I'm trying to learn to just let things go and handle them better, but it's not entirely working. Maybe I just need to be more patient. Actually I'm sure that I need to be more patient, but it's always been a character flaw of mine. I just feel smothered by some people and rejected by others. Really I shouldn't complain, at least not about the rejection part, because really it's my own fault for acting the way that I do. Can't really blame anyone else for it right.
So I don't usually swear, but honestly I've sworn a TON in the last week (especially 24 hours). And I don't feel bad about it. There are worse ways I could be taking out my frustration.
Bubble gum drops and lollipops....