Weird kind of hope

Love Story

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony of summer air

See the lights,
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
You say hello
Little did I know

That you were Romeo you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said:

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet cause we're dead if they know
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

Cause you were Romeo I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said:

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real,
Don't be afraid
We'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes, oh,

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town I said:

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think
He knealt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said:

Marry me Juliet you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

Oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Cause we were both young when I first saw you

letting go

Things have been going really well lately, but for some reason I went digging around through past mistakes today. I'm not sure exactly why I did that because I knew the outcome was going to be negative. I guess I did it because although I trust in the forgiveness of my Heavenly Father, I guess I don't really believe that people will sincerely forgive me when I do awful things to them. I guess that's the point where I don't trust people because that's the point I've often let myself down. I don't forgive myself or let go of my past sins and mistakes and so I assume that others won't forgive me either. I'm really trying to let go and allow myself to progress because the only thing that can and will hold me back is myself. And I won't let that happen.

Life is Interesting

There is so much I have to learn, but I'm realizing that that is ok. Patience is a virtue, especially with one's self, and I have never been especially full of that virtue. But I'm learning and striving to change, and I know that if I just keep at it, eventually I will succeed. Interpersonal relations aren't always a strong point for me, but the only way to change that is to put myself in situations where I have to improve.
So I had an idea today that was a little intimidating, almost a little frightening. And because of this thought, I realized what my pattern is in dealing with things that frighten me. Usually, when I feel scared or intimidated, I force myself to do whatever I'm scared of. Sometimes it takes me a couple of tries before I can muster enough nerve to actually follow through, but I really am determined to improve myself and to overcome these issues. I guess with my current idea the issue is not whether or not I have the guts to go through with it, but rather that I'm not sure if it would be a good thing to do. But that thought is a little muffled because I almost want to do it now to prove to myself that I can. Well, I guess we'll have to just wait and see how it all goes.

Who am I

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It's not in just some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" (Quoted by Nelson Mandala)

my escape

Last night I stayed up until 2:00 again typing and organizing my journal. Maybe I'm a dork for it but I don't really care. Journaling has always helped me so much to sort through my thoughts and feelings and to realize that I'm not as bad as I sometimes think I am. When I get really upset sometimes reading my journals is the only thing that truly helps me because it' advice from myself; I can't argue with that. I've been writing for a while, and currently I have 350pgs of my journal saved on my computer going back from the present to 1998 (with a brief gap for the mission...I haven't yet tackled those journals). It was really good for me to see my progress and to really be able to understand that I am different than I was before; I have learned and grown so much, and I know I'll continue if I keep pressing forward. Life is good. The Lord is real. I am his daughter.